Temari, Shikamaru, and a Milkshake
by LightBender
Summary: What happens when randomness reaches an all time high in Konoha? Dangerous, scary, frightening, and frickin' hilarious things happen!


**_Temari, Shikamaru, and a Milkshake_  
**

**AN: **Hello! This story is merely a collection of random oneshots that my editor and I decided to write. This particular one we worked on together. Hope you like it. There are more pairings than just Tem/Shika, but that one is our trademark in a way. R&R if so inclined.

**Disclaimer: **Don't own anything.

**WARNING: **This fic contains OOC and randomness. And references.

* * *

_**Coffee**_

Sasuke, Lee, Neji, Shino, Gaara, Kankuro, Shikamaru, Tenten, and Hinata were sitting in the Uchiha living room, listening to Kakashi read them Make Out Paradise for five hours. Suddenly, Naruto, squealing like a girl, ran into the room, shouting, "WE HAVE TO GO TO SEATTLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kakashi continued to read as everyone watched the bouncing yellow and orange blur shriek.

"Why?" Sasuke, Tenten, and Hinata asked simultaneously as Shikamaru muttered, "What a drag…"

Kakashi's voice was heard during the brief silence after Shikamaru's words. "'I felt his tongue against my bottom lip.'"

Naruto calmed down enough to say, "I need COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"You're already high on sugar. Why do you need more caffeine?" Neji asked.

"I just do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Naruto yelled at Neji.

Neji stared and then said, "Ok, fine. Let's go."

"I don't think that's such a hot idea," Kankuro said nervously. "Gaara gets a little _strange_ when he has caffeine."

Gaara laughed evilly as he jumped up and started dragging everyone within reach to the car.

"You mean he's not already strange?" Hinata asked worriedly as Gaara picked her up and set her on his shoulders, already holding Sasuke, Lee, Shikamaru, and Kakashi, who was still reading.

Kankuro sighed. "Well, stranger than this."

Tenten screamed, "All right! Let's GO! ROAD TRIP!!!!"

"Tenten, youthful flower, embrace your youthfulness!!!!!!" Lee yelled.

Neji hit him over the head as he got picked up by Gaara and shouted, "Don't talk that way about my future wife—I mean, our teammate!"

"I'm you're future wife?" Tenten asked as Gaara threw them into the back of the car and Tenten landed on Neji's lap.

"Um…I didn't say that! Shikamaru, how dare you say that!" Neji said, blushing and making his voice astonished.

"Huh? Troublesome…Bothersome…" Shikamaru mumbled. "Such a drag…where's Temari?"

The car horn beeped and Temari stuck her head out. "Right here, lazy crybaby! Wanna join me in the front?"

Suddenly, Shikamaru seemed a little more enthusiastic. "You bet."

"Touch my sister anywhere I don't think is appropriate and I'll set Gaara on you." Kankuro smiled an evil grin and looked pointedly at Gaara, who was practically bouncing in his seat with the prospect of a road trip devoted specifically to caffeine.

After they had drove part way across the country, almost all of them were thoroughly annoyed with certain people and events that had happened in the car.

First, Naruto had muttered "coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee…" the whole way and then Temari and Shikamaru had started to make out in the front of the car. So, Kakashi had to take over the driving part of the trip, reading the whole time. This caused the police to pull them over to give him a ticket.

"I don't care if you are the famous copy ninja of Konoha!" the police officer had yelled. "You're still getting a ticket!"

After that incident, Tenten had started to finger her kunai and give glances at Gaara, who had decided to join Naruto in muttering "coffee" under their breaths. So, Kakashi had to sit between them. Temari was put back in charge of driving and Shikamaru had been thrown into the trunk, so that she couldn't be distracted.

When they finally reached the Seattle Coffee House, Temari walked away to the side of the car to open the door for the group. The second the door was open, Gaara and Naruto ran toward the door of the restaurant, screaming a singe word at the top of their lungs.

"**COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

Kankuro sighed and followed his brother, attempting to prevent the unpreventable: to keep them out of trouble. Everyone else filed out of the car and inside, where they were seated by a waiter in green spandex who was repeatedly saying "youth" or "youthful." Just like Lee.

"Here is your youthful table, my youthful children! My youthful name is Gai and I'll be your youthful server on this youthful day! What would you youthfully like to drink?"

Naruto and Gaara answered immediately and at the top of their lungs.

"**COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

"All right, two youthful cups of youthful coffee…"

"Water, thank you." Kankuro's order was the only really normal one.

"W-Water, p-please."

"Youthful water, youthfully served!"

"Give me the damn water."

"The water of Fate, if you will."

"Bug water."

"Water with a little umbrella in it, please." After that statement, Kakashi proceeded to read aloud.

"Milkshake, two straws." Everyone rolled their eyes at Temari and Shikamaru, who were too busy giving each other puppy dog eyes to notice.

"Beer."

Everyone turned to stare at Sasuke who was staring emo-like out the window.

"Sasuke, are you sure you want to do that? I mean, you do remember the final competition festival, right?" Tenten asked nervously.

"No, actually, I don't remember it. Why? What happened?"

Everyone looked at each other and then Kankuro spoke up. "You were drunk and umm…made more than a few girls in Konoha, uh…uncomfortable."

Gaara was completely ignoring everyone, too absorbed with bouncing up and down in his seat, all the while muttering "coffee." So, Naruto gave him a quick punch, causing Gaara to turn into the cool, hateful demon.

"What was that for, might I ask?"

"So you would listen to us and try to talk Sasuke out of drinking some beer."

Gaara stared at Naruto. Temari and Kankuro exchanged nervous glances, before both of them put on hard hats.

"Hey! Where'd you get the hard hats? I want one!" Tenten said, pouting slightly. Temari obligingly handed over a purple hard hat.

"I like the color purple!"

Gaara stood up slowly, sand particles seeming to float around him. Naruto looked quite scared, Gaara looking quite the picture of a nightmare. His hand was raised, a killing intent in his eyes; his hand twitched into Sand Coffin, but then, Gai ran out, shouting, "I have your youthful coffee, my youthful customers!"

Gaara immediately was his fun, bouncy self again and shouting the same word.

"**COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

Everyone forgot about Sasuke and the beer in the confusion of attempting to restrain Naruto and Gaara, who were trying to attack Gai for their coffee.

Naruto and Gaara downed their coffee in one gulp. They turned simultaneously to Gai and whispered with devilish glee, "More!"

Gai glanced, frightened, at the two boys before nodding. He took their mugs and walked behind the counter. Gaara and Naruto started to giggle uncontrollably at how frightened Gai was.

Kankuro was scared. This was because Gaara, his little brother Gaara, the one who-wasn't-afraid-to-murder-anyone-on-the-spot-Gaara, that Gaara was _giggling_. He shot a worried glance at Temari, but she didn't even notice anything except for Shikamaru's eyes. Kankuro gulped.

"Tenten, ummmm…do you like the band Hinder?" Neji's usually stable voice was shaking. Tenten gave him a look of adoration.

"Are you joking? I love Hinder! They're so awesome! Why do you ask?"

"Well, you see, I got these…these tickets for tomorrow to a-to a-to a Hinder concert and I w-was…er…wonderingifyouwantedtogowithme?"

"I didn't catch that last part, sorry."

Neji took a deep breath and said it slowly and brokenly. "I was wondering…if you wanted to g-go to the Hinder concert with me…tomorrow?"

Tenten screamed an earsplitting scream and then hugged Neji so hard that he was knocked out of his chair.

"OF COURSE I'LL GO TO THE HINDER CONCERT WITH YOU! THIS WILL BE SOOOOO MUCH FUN! I HOPE THEY PLAY "LIPS OF AN ANGEL"! OH MY GOD, NEJI, THANK YOU!"

She leaned down and pecked him on the cheek. She sat down and started to whisper fervently with Hinata.

Neji, star struck, climbed unsteadily back into his chair, cradling the place on his cheek where Tenten had kissed him. "Kami, Fate was good to me today."

"Good job, Hyuga, you deserve her," Sasuke said, the flickers of a smile on his face. The two geniuses were naturally best friends. He lightly punched the unresponsive Neji on the arm before Gai came back with their drinks and Naruto's and Gaara's refills. Sasuke grabbed his beer off the tray and swigged a gulp before staring yet again out the window. Temari and Shikamaru sipped from their milkshake and talked in seductive voices. Neji drank his water with an extremely goofy smile on his face, while Hinata smiled shyly and sipped her water, listening to Tenten talk very fast about what she and Neji were going to do at the concert and ignore her water completely.

Gaara and Naruto started to drink their coffee, but after one sip screamed something that sounded like "eeek" and "I can't feel my appendix." Everyone assumed it was because the coffee was too hot and ignored them and continued to drink their beverages. Gai brought out a basket of bread sticks and told them he'd be right back to get their "youthful" food orders.

Kakashi, Shikamaru, Shino, and Sasuke all turned to stare at the breadbasket and then gave each other apprehensive glances. Kakashi set down his book and stared into the eyes of Shino. Shikamaru told Temari to put her hard hat back on as he glared at Sasuke. She obeyed immediately, the air in the room getting tense. Tenten hadn't taken hers off.

Using lightening fast speed, Kakashi grabbed a breadstick and hurled it like a kunai at Shino. Shino dodged it and grabbed five breadsticks in each hand, throwing them at Kakashi, who immediately dodged all of them in a single movement.

Sasuke joined in, activating his Sharingan, and threw some breadsticks at Shino, taking Kakashi's side. Shikamaru jumped to Shino's aid and threw napkins to soften the impact of the breadsticks. He then hurled two breadsticks at Sasuke, who dodged. But, realized that they were headed for Hinata. Sasuke's eyes widened and he jumped in front of Hinata, yelling, "Nooooooooooooo!!!"

In slow motion, the breadsticks hit Sasuke in the gut and he collapsed, falling backwards onto the lap of the surprised Hyuga. Sasuke coughed and managed to say, "Don't cry for me…it was an honorable death. Thank you…kind lady…but perhaps…a kiss?"

Blushing slightly, Hinata leaned down and kissed Sasuke's cheek. Immediately, Sasuke jumped up, revived. He murmured his thanks and grabbed Shikamaru's fallen breadsticks and threw them back at full force.

Kakashi and Shino were battling with breadsticks they had already thrown and the waiters and waitresses were forced to duck at every moment. They all acted as though this was a daily occurrence and the members of the group didn't doubt that Sasuke, Kakashi, Shino, and Shikamaru had driven the whole way to Seattle just to have a breadstick fight.

The fight continued for about three more minutes, until all the breadsticks had either broke or had been eaten by Lee. Sasuke sat down and started to drink his beer while staring out at the window and at Hinata, who kept blushing. Kakashi began to read once more, Shikamaru sat down next to Temari, putting his arms around her and proceeded to make out, and Shino sat down and continued to finish his 'bug' water.

Neji still had the goofy smile on his face when Gai came back to get the food orders.

"What can I youthfully get you to youthfully eat, my youthfully youthful customers?"

"I'll have a cheeseburger with fries, please," Kankuro said pleasantly, smiling.

"COFFEE!"

"A-A salad p-please."

"I'll have a jumbo burger with one slice of tomato, one slice of onion, two Bermuda chili peppers, three strips of lettuce, no ketchup and only a dollop of mustard, actually, yes, I do want ketchup, ¼ a cup of Tsunade's super secret burger sauce, and a side of super crispy fries with salt, vinegar, ketchup, cheese, chili, and barbecue sauce on top. Thank you." Kakashi smiled warmly and continued to read.

"I can youthfully do that, my youthful customer, but you could youthfully have just said 'the house special.'" Gai smiled writing down Kakashi's very large order.

"Spaghetti, please, and make sure the sauce looks like blood," Tenten said happily, smiling evilly.

"I'll have what Tenten's having," Neji responded, smiling crazily at Gai, who looked away quickly.

"I'll have a salad, extra tomato," Sasuke said, smiling slightly at Hinata before looking out the window.

Shikamaru and Temari were still making out so Kankuro just got them a side of fries.

"A little kids meal with a toy bug in it, thanks."

"Youthful fries, please."

Gai gave a thumbs up and wink to the table before walking into the kitchen. Kankuro started to talk to Sasuke while everyone else, save Temari and Shikamaru, turned back to Kakashi's reading.

Gai walked out of the kitchen with two trays in his arms and gave everyone their food. Gaara and Naruto, now excited after having _two_ cups of coffee, had started to sing and made up an extremely annoying song that consisted of only one word. Give you three guesses which word.

"COFFEE COFFEEEEEEEEEEE COFFEE COFFEE COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Tenten and Neji kept glancing at each other over their heaping forkfuls of spaghetti and kept blushing when they met the other's eyes. Neji kept dropping spaghetti on the ground and getting the blood sauce everywhere. Shino completely ignored his food and played with his bug toy. Kankuro ate in peaceful silence, while Kakashi read and ate, getting food everywhere. Temari and Shikamaru tried to feed each other fries, but it slowly just turned into another make out session.

Lee ate and kept saying "youthful" and "youthfully youthful" between bites. Hinata stared at her salad for a few moments before pushing it away. Sasuke leaned over and stole her tomatoes, causing her to laugh. When they finished, everyone turned to stare at Kankuro, who sighed and said, "All right! I'll pay. But you all owe me!"

:--:--:--:--:

Everyone went to Sasuke's backyard after their adventurous day. They had decided to leave Lee with Gai as an apprentice waiter, because they were both really annoying and they both used the word 'youth' and other variants excessively. Temari and Shikamaru were making out again, or so everyone thought. They were in the garden and no one wanted to go over and find out what the noises meant. Besides…everyone had found out what Kankuro had meant when he had said that Gaara got _strange_.

Gaara was sitting in a lawn chair and Sasuke had to walk by him to get into the house. Gaara grabbed Sasuke's hand and pulled him close, setting Sasuke down on his lap. Gaara then proceeded to make out with Sasuke, who just sat there, looking quite frightened. When Gaara finally released him, Sasuke practically ran into the house, leaving Gaara to chuckle to himself.

Next, Hinata walked by him and Gaara did the same, only this time, the recipient of the kiss kissed back. When they broke apart for air, Gaara said in his devilish voice, "I hope they have a guest room."

Hinata giggled, allowing Gaara to pick her up bridal style and carry her into the house. Everyone else outside waited a few minutes before they hear Hinata's earsplitting scream.

"ITACHI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WE'RE GOING TO USE YOUR ROOM! GET THE HECK OUT!" Sasuke's angry voice drifted down to the yard and only a few seconds later, Itachi came running out screaming like Naruto screaming like a little girl and hid behind Kankuro.

Sasuke stormed out onto the lawn, a taser gun in his hand. Itachi ducked down farther, scared completely out of his wits. "Not the taser gun again, please, nii-kun, please, not again."

"You told me you were going to be at Sasori's house tonight," Sasuke said, his voice and eyes deadly.

Itachi jumped up, defending himself valiantly! "Yeah, well, Sasori decided he was too tired to deal with me tonight and sent me home and I didn't get a chance to call you because you were in Seattle and I got scared, so I went to bed with Night-Night." He held up a stuffed weasel before snuggling up to it.

"You still sleep with a stuffed animal? And you named him Night-Night?" Kankuro gave him a weird look, before he smiled and held up a stuffed giraffe. "Mine's name Night-Night too!"

Itachi and Kankuro started to play with their Night-Nights together. After a few moments, Sasuke handed the taser gun to Shino and ran back into the house and, everyone suspected, Itachi's room. Neji and Tenten had began to talk, but 'talking' turned into 'making out'.

Shino looked around and noticed something. "I'm the only one who hasn't made with anyone tonight."

All one could see of Itachi and Kankuro were their feet. Let's not get into that.

Temari and Shikamaru? Duh. That's all they had been doing.

Neji and Tenten were making out.

Gaara, Hinata, and Sasuke had disappeared to who knows what.

Kakashi looked around. He caught Shino's eyes and raised an eyebrow seductively.

"No," Shino said. "I'm not making out with a man twice my age."

Jiraiya appeared in a poof of smoke on Shino's lap and asked, "But, you'll make out with a guy three times your age, right?"

Shino shrugged. "Why not?"

"What about me?" Kakashi put down his book and pouted. Out of absolutely no where, Tsunade popped out and sat down on Kakashi's lap and they began to make out.

As the weirdest day in Naruto history came to an end, everyone heard a cry come from the direction of Seattle, one that sounded incredibly like, "**YOUTH!**"

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**AN: **That's the first one. My editor's by herself is next. Or her little sister's. I eventually have to write one. Request ideas, please. Review if so inclined. 


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